Published May 25, 2012
"It was just so funny to see him get drunk," he laughed wholeheartedly, like a bee on steroids. His teeth were filled with maggots, and his eyes widened like a heartbeat. The storm thunered otside, bringing the warm sunlight through the glass window. It was like a dream. Scarlet could not see the leveragining kinds of light that reflected off the dance floor. Thomis was kneeling down, looking at the ground.
"What's the matter?" Scarlet cried, her face brimming with tears.
"Nothing," said Thomas, looking at the ground wtih discontempt. The major part of the entire dance was over. eople were starting to spread all over the place, as if they had gotten bored of the music already. Thomis cried in his hands, tears trickling off his bony fingers.
Scarlet turned, saw her window of opportunity. "Do you love me, Thomis?" She asked looking deep into his eyes. Thomas looked at her, then at the ground and replied, "Yes Darling, I love you with every inch of being. I love you," and then they started kissing and dancing and Scarlet felt every fibre of her body turn cold red.
"I missed you," she said, croaking inside with ingenius laughter. The swish of the palm trees began to sway. She giggled a bit, tears streaming down her face. "I knew you would come back to me."
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140,177 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
Hi thedoctor,
Mailice here with a short review!
Since the story is a bit shorter, I'll take the sections apart and add my comments.
Let's get started!
This is a very interesting and exciting start that we are dealing with here and so far I like how the setting is opening up so slowly here and yet as a reader you are still a bit caught up in the descriptions and don't know directly where you are. I especially like the description "like a bee on steroids". After that, the descriptions make it a bit scary, you could say, as if you were in a ghost train or something similar. But in terms of writing style, I think it's a good start so far.
Apart from a tiny typo here with "people" this section felt very good and you go further into the descriptions which could be a bit along the lines of horror. We now have two characters here, Scarlet and Thomas, and it feels like what we're seeing here is a tragedy, but it still leaves you with some questions.
It seems like we are reaching the climax of the story here. It looks good, apart from the fact that I was a bit confused as to why Scarlett calls Thomas Thomis, because at first glance it looks like a spelling mistake.
It looks like the story clears up a bit here, you realise they're somewhere, a party or something like that where there's dancing, but further on we don't have a direct glimpse of other characters, even though they were mentioned in the first paragraph through dialogue, which makes the whole scene seem very bleak and lonely.
The ending gives me kind of goosebumps, because the whole time I felt like we were in a very scary situation here. With the descriptions it seems like Thomas is kind of dead(?) or something and she, SCarlet seems a bit crazy or lost / disillusioned? I'm very undecided about the information you give us, and yet I think you've written a really good story.
It continues to leave me with some questions and yet I'm pleased that it's so vague that you have to start interpreting some of it.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
"It was just so funny to see him get drunk," he laughed wholeheartedly, like a bee on steroids. His teeth were filled with maggots, and his eyes widened like a heartbeat. The storm thunered otside, bringing the warm sunlight through the glass window. It was like a dream. Scarlet could not see the leveragining kinds of light that reflected off the dance floor. Thomis was kneeling down, looking at the ground.
"What's the matter?" Scarlet cried, her face brimming with tears.
"Nothing," said Thomas, looking at the ground wtih discontempt. The major part of the entire dance was over. eople were starting to spread all over the place, as if they had gotten bored of the music already. Thomis cried in his hands, tears trickling off his bony fingers.
Scarlet turned, saw her window of opportunity. "Do you love me, Thomis?" She asked looking deep into his eyes. Thomas looked at her, then at the ground and replied, "Yes Darling, I love you with every inch of being. I love you," and then they started kissing and dancing and Scarlet felt every fibre of her body turn cold red.
"I missed you," she said, croaking inside with ingenius laughter. The swish of the palm trees began to sway. She giggled a bit, tears streaming down her face. "I knew you would come back to me."